Why not? I’d like a cushy government job as a bridge to retirement and I’m fully qualified. I’m a winner, I can tell it like it is using old newsroom language and I’ll schlong anybody who gets in Trump’s way. Here’s my pitch.
The Best Man For The Trump FCC? Me
Dear Mr. Trump:
My name is Harry Jessell and I’d like the top job at the FCC. I’m a WINNER. Just ask the judges of my sixth-grade science fair. Plus, I actually know where the FCC building is and, more important, how to get there. That’s not as easy as you may think.
I don’t know where the FCC chairman fits in the succession plan should you and other higher-ranking officials get blown up by Muslims or Mexicans, but I want to assure you that I am a native born American. My birth certificate is around here somewhere. I think I saw it in a pile of papers a few years ago.
I am not a Washington insider. That’s for sure. One of the great things about being a journalist is that you can use it as an excuse for not donating money to any political candidate or cause. The savings really pile up over the years.
Like the rest of the federal government, the FCC is a disaster. It’s part of the corrupt Washington establishment and, let’s face it, it’s been run by a bunch of losers for at least the past 40 years. From Wiley to Wheeler, one bulb dimmer than the last. Bad people. Very bad.
With me as chairman, we can make the FCC great again.
I could give you plenty of ideas about how to make the FCC great again, but that’s not the point. The point is simply to make it great so that it is no longer not great like the rest of America.
We will have policies. BIG BOLD ONES. Take net neutrality. It’s got the Washington big thinkers tied up in knots right now. I’ll give it a quick study, and we’ll come out strong either for or against the net because neutrality is for pussies. The Jessell FCC won’t be afraid to take a stand.
I’m also for relaxing the foreign ownership restrictions on media, just so long as they’re not too foreign. Regular foreigners from, let’s say, England and Germany and maybe even France are OK — assuming they lose the accents. But no foreigners from countries with a lot of Arabs or countries nobody even heard of.
And, for god’s sake, no Mexicans. You put a Mexican in charge of a radio station, no pretty lady would be safe and piñatas full of drugs would hang from the ceilings — pot! coke! pills! It would be like radio in the ’60s all over again.
And let me just add, Mexicans are wonderful, wonderful people. I love them.
I pledge to use the power of my office evenhandedly, except for those bastards at Comcast/NBCU and Univision who dumped you and your Miss Universe pageant just because you had the cojones to tell it like it is about how Mexican immigrants are criminals and rapists.
There must be a thousand ways we can screw Comcast. Suffice it to say, Brian Roberts won’t be able to merge with I-95 on a Sunday morning.
As for Univision, I’m thinking we should have a rule that all broadcasts be in English (let’s see how they do competing with the big boys) and a code of conduct for uppity reporters at presidential pressers backed by stiff penalties (water-boarding?).
And the New York TV stations will pay for hanging you out to dry when you said you saw thousands of Muslims celebrating the 9/11 attacks in the streets of Jersey City. It they don’t turn over the tapes, I will go after them like Black Jack Pershing at a mass Muslim execution.
The great thing about broadcasting is, if you don’t like what the networks or stations say, you don’t have to sue them for libel. You can just jerk them around all day long because they actually need a license from us to be in business. Dick Nixon knew how to pull those levers and he wasn’t half the man you are.
As the great, ever-quotable Benito Mussolini once said, “Let us have a dagger between our teeth, a bomb in our hands, and an infinite scorn in our hearts.” (Not that it should matter, but Benito and I share a birthday!)
You may be afraid that your harsh talk and bullying will put off some people in Washington. Don’t worry. I know that town. All’s forgiven once The Plum Book comes out.
Already, some Republican regulars are lining up behind you because they see you for what you are — A WINNER! My governor, Chris Christie, that big teddy bear of a lapdog, was first in line.
We will have to find a couple of Republican rubber stamps so I don’t have to waste time politicking in my own agency. The FCC could serve as a dumping ground for your “disavowed” white supremacists.
We will have to have a couple of Democrats on the commission, but that doesn’t mean we have to pay for their staff. If they want to trash us, they’ll have to write their own speeches and dissenting statements.
And I don’t see anything in the Comm Act of ’34 that says we have to live with them. Let’s see how they function from a strip mall in Herndon with NO STARBUCKS.
I will make loosening the FCC indecency rules a top priority. So, if you want to tell all those pundits who dismissed you as a clown last summer to “go fuck yourselves and your mamas” in your inaugural address, you go right ahead. Any complaints will fall on deaf ears.
Along with the appointment, I ask for just one thing. Could we move the FCC to within walking distance of some of those fancy expense-account restaurants? When I tell the Washington establishment types that I ain’t playing ball with them, I want to do it over a decent meal.